


i should leave it alone but you're not around

by voxaphone



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, half life but the ai is self aware
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Dreams and Nightmares, Eldritch Benrey, Eldritch Forzen, Eldritch tommy, Gordon has PTSD, Inspired by Orpheus and Eurydice (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Joshua is a real boy, M/M, Not A Game AU, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, original character in the form of joshuas other parent and xir wife
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25423489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voxaphone/pseuds/voxaphone
Summary: Gordon is doing better a few months after the Resonance Cascade, thanks to therapy, Joshua, and the continued presence of the Science Team in his life. He's adjusted to his new mechanical hand, to the inhuman nature of his comrades, life without a soul-sucking job and with plenty of hush-money. So why does everything feel off? Why does he feel like something is missing?And then it clicks. Benrey was absolutely nowhere to be seen. But saying he was completely dead just felt like a lie. He had to be out there, somewhere, and Gordon wants to know exactly where he's been since the final battle; and why he didn't come back.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta/Darnold/Forzen
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	i should leave it alone but you're not around

**Author's Note:**

> i'm a huge sucker for the simple romanticism of going to the void to find your lover and face your own doubt and shit to bring them back to be with you. but like... without the whole tragic part of turning around and dooming them to staying into the void. that's the whole inspiration for this fic lol.
> 
> title is from i should live in salt by the national.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so.. the guy you kinda maybe dont definitely like hasnt respawned to annoy you yet... u get worried or nah?
> 
> alternatively titled: big gordon ptsd moments

A few months after the Resonance Cascade, Gordon could confidently say that he was, in fact, doing better.

The first night home, after the party at Chuck E. Cheese’s, was rough. Gordon went straight to bed and slept the day away, not waking up until the early hours of the next morning. He didn’t even think to remove the battered HEV Suit beforehand, and woke up from that impromptu nap with enough energy to pry the damned thing off. Three hours and a broken screwdriver later, Gordon had managed to escape the awful exoskeleton that kept him alive throughout that hellhole, and celebrated his victory with a hot shower and another 10 hour nap. Those two nights back were the only ones he could remember without any nightmares.

The first week was the worst. The Incident was still fresh in his mind, and even fresher in his muscle memory. More did once did he wake up gasping for breath, holding his right arm out to the ceiling above, trying to use a gun for a hand that he no longer had. In his dreams, anything that did go wrong happened again, and anything that could’ve gone wrong did; A fall into a bottomless pit, a zombie getting the drop on him, clones clawing into his skin, the soldiers in that dark, suffocating room waiting to cut his other arm off for good measure—

Not to mention the dreams set in the horrible fleshy landscape that was Xen itself. The final battle against the monstrous Benrey kept happening over and over again, but he lost every time, waking himself up with a scream caught in his throat. If he wasn’t so genuinely bone-weary, Gordon would’ve just try to stay awake; he had to get the house _and_ himself in order before he could feel comfortable having Joshua return. But it was just his luck any energy he got from sleeping was spent fighting old ghosts.

The whole Science Team was obviously worried with Gordon’s decision to go radio silent right after a traumatizing event, however. Whatever isolation his depression had pushed him into quickly shattered as the former scientists began to knock on his doorstep.He wasn’t that surprised they knew his address, but more by the fact they came over at all. He shouldn’t have been; friendships forged in fire and all that. Gordon went from having no friends and a soul-sucking job to four people he would trust with his life and no job (but with _plenty_ of hush-money).

They had been the support net that Gordon hadn’t had since long before he ever worked at Black Mesa; it was exactly what he needed instead of wallowing in self-isolation with nothing but nightmares.Instead of gritting his teeth and bearing it through a panic attack brought on by a memory, he could use the techniques Coomer taught him to calm down quickly. Tommy was kind enough to help Gordon find a new therapist, a process he wasn’t exactly too excited to go through again, and be there to listen to him when he came over with Sunkist. Bubby even designed a new prosthetic hand for Gordon, all sleek metal and complicated machinery, made out of many of the gutted electronics that were in his and Coomer’s humble abode. Despite what Bubby told him as they explained how to work the prosthetic, Gordon knew that was the crabby old scientist’s apology,trying to make amends for the damage they were apart of but without revealing any sort of guilt they may have had.

(Gordon forgave him, obviously. He would’ve done that even if the scientist didn’t make him a new right hand. No matter how aloof Bubby acted, it was obvious when something was eating at him.)

It was surprising how just a few days back in contact with the Science Team gave Gordon the burst of energy and motivation needed to get his life back in order. He finished tidying up his shabby house up and called his ex-partner in the same day. After assuring xem that he was indeed alive and safe, he said he’s _not_ working at Black Mesa anymore (completely understandable, as he learned, since he facility was now a smoldering pile of rubble), he just had to take care of a few things before he could have Joshua over again. If xe and xir wife were okay with it, he could have Joshua over next week.

They were okay with it, of course. Isi told him how much Joshua missed his dad and he would be extremely happy to see him again. He was over to pick Joshua up the following day. If his ex noticed the new hand, xe didn’t mention it in front of Joshua. Josh himself didn’t seem to notice until they were on the way back to his house.

“Your hand’s shiny,” Joshua said, looking up from his Switch to stare at Gordon’s right hand resting on the steering wheel. He was more curious than anything, craning his neck to get a better view from the backseat. “Why’s it shiny? New hand?”

Gordon already thought of what to say when Joshua eventually asked questions, and the answer came surprisingly smoothly to him. “Gordon lost his old hand, Joshy, but that’s okay. Bubby made me a new one.”

“ _Bubby_?” Joshua’s nose crinkled as he smiled.

“Yeah! Bubby. He’s a— a work friend. Made a hand that’s just like the old one, but like- even better.” He drummed on the steering wheel with fingers, taking a split second to check the rear view mirror at his son’s reaction. He still seemed curious, but the siren call of the Nintendo Switch was starting to call to him.

“M’okay. That was nice of him.” the child mumbled, now focusing on his island instead. Gordon couldn’t help but snicker a bit; he could only imagine Bubby’s reaction to a four-year-old saying he was nice.

“Yeah, it was. Hey, how do you feel about McDonald’s for dinner?”

As Gordon sat at his kitchen’s old dining table, watching his son scarf down his hamburger like it was his first time ever having fabled Fast Food for dinner (it wasn’t), he couldn’t help but smile. Before “getting better” was just an intangible quest he gave himself just for the sake of surviving, but having his son back in his life gave him yet another reason to not wallow in his despair. The Science Team was helpful, and his first meeting with his therapist went great, but Joshua seemed to be the extra push he needed to actually keep on the recovery track.

As well as one can, of course. Some days the weight of everything he did during the Black Mesa Incident came back as a tidal wave, hitting him before he’s even awake, and he’d want to get out of bed as much as he wanted to go back to Xen. But eventually he would remember that he had a kid to feed, or that one or more of the Neo-Science Team were coming over that day, and that would give him motivation enough to at least go brew some coffee. If he can’t do it for himself, he could at least do it for his friends. If he couldn’t do it for them, by God he was going to do it for Joshua. It was a worthy battle, but even his depression couldn’t beat his paternal instinct.

One of the many bright sides of Black Mesa blowing up: now there was nothing forcing Gordon to miss special events or birthday parties or just a simple phone call with his only child. The hush-money he got in the mail would be enough to keep him afloat for a couple of years if he budgeted it correctly, which means he could at least wait until Joshua was in school before he had to go hunting for another job. The kids growing up so fast it takes Gordon by surprise; Joshua from the week before Gordon had to do that fateful test and the Joshua he sees now, playing in the backyard after finishing his home-cooked dinner, seem like almost completely different young boys.

Joshua’s family effectively doubled after the Science Team finally had the chance to meet him (and his other parents, of course). The kid was already going to grow up well-loved by Gordon, Izi, and xir wife Emilia; now he had three grandpas, an uncle, and an immortal dog all ready to babysit him if the need came up. Gordon felt a small smile creep onto his face as he continued to watch out the window in his thoughts, completely tuning out the rest of the dishes in the sink basin in front of him.

He was doing better. Not only that, he was genuinely _happy_ for the first time in a long while. Things were so bleak and hopeless back in Black Mesa, but now everything seemed to be turning into a happy-ever-after.

… Didn’t it? He _was_ happy, of course, but why did something feel off? Why was there some itch in the back of his mind saying he forgot something?

Or was it _someone_? That couldn’t be it. He knew perfectly well Tommy, Coomer, and Bubby were all fine; Darnold made it out okay too, as Gordon discovered when he came over to play games at Tommy’s. Mr. Coolatta he didn’t have to worry about and Forzen… well, he didn’t want to worry about. There was a void in his life where there should be a person, but he couldn’t figure out anyone close to him that died—

… Oh.

Something in Gordon’s mind clicked and the confused smile on his face disappeared. It’s Benrey. He had no clue where Benrey was. As soon as he finishes that thought plenty more rush to point out that he didn’t care about where Benrey was as long as he _was_ actually gone; that he knew damn well Benrey was still rotting back on Xen after they killed him.

Though of course, a voice in the back of his mind said, death never seemed to stop him before. Why would shredding up a few passports change that fact? The security guard survived so much more than just a barrage of bullets; and honestly, would he _really_ give up tormenting Gordon for good?

A shiver ran up Gordon’s spine and he quickly turned to look at the front door. Still locked, still closed. He shook his head to get away from that line of thinking; the last thing he needed was _more_ paranoia. If Benrey was back for some reason, he would’ve found Gordon by now. It’s not like he lived that far from the rubble that was Black Mesa; even on foot, he imagined it wouldn’t take a couple months to get to his house.

Why did Gordon feel vaguely disappointed? He _wanted_ the guard gone. He should’ve been mad that the guard popped back up in his head this far down the line, but now that he acknowledged that Benrey wasn’t there, he couldn’t go back to just being comfortable. All of a sudden there was now a Benrey shaped hole in his life that he had absolutely _no_ desire to fill. No way. He had enough forgiveness in his heart for Bubby, but _not_ whatever Benrey was.

...He glanced back at the front door. Nothing had changed since he looked at it 30 seconds ago. Though the sound of his backdoor suddenly opening was enough to cause him to jump and turn back around, only to find Joshua closing the door behind him.

“Hey,” He stammered, drying off his now pruney hands before he adjusted his glasses. “done playing, big guy?”

“Mhm.” Joshua answered, clearly happy but failing to stifle a yawn.

“Wanna get ready for bed while I finish up these dishes?”

“Okay, daddy.” Joshua went on his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed as Gordon tried to calm down from the accidental start. Why in the hell did he think it was Benrey? He knew his son was outside. At least he came in while the sun was starting to set instead of nightfall this time.

Gordon dried off the dishes he already had washed, grateful that he didn’t have that much to clean, and went to tuck his son into bed for the night. His own exhaustion was starting to creep in, and he decided it wouldn’t hurt his sleep schedule too much if he turned in a bit early.

All while he was doing his nightly routine, the thought of Benrey lingered in the back of his mind like a vengeful ghost. He could talk himself in circles about if Benrey’s alive or not for hours and unsurprisingly, he was too impulsive to not feed into it. Gordon was still having his own internal debate as he went back out to the kitchen to grab his phone left on the table, and only paused when he stopped to stare at the lock on the front door.

The notion of unlocking at least the top latch for Benrey popped into his mind. Gordon lingered on it for a few seconds before immediately shaking his head. He wouldn't make it easier on the entity if it really wanted to get at him again; it’s not like a few locked doors ever stopped him anyways. Not even _blast doors_ stopped Benrey.

Normally the thought of Benrey would make Gordon dread sleeping, but he found out as he slid into bed he was too tired to care. If he didn’t show up any of the past nights this month, he highly doubted Benrey would choose this night in particular to come back. Even with that repeating in his head like a mantra, the guards absence was quickly becoming an itch that just got worse the more the man think about it. If— _when_ he ever decided to show up, Gordon was going to have some choice questions for him. Did they really kick his ass hard enough it took months to regenerate?

He drifted off to sleep, eventually. No nightmares about Black Mesa, not even one about Xen. All he dreamed of was a nothingness with no end in sight.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!  
> if you have any questions or comments or anything you want to send my way: jerlot.tumblr.com


End file.
